A peace
that passes all understanding, I have talked about it, I have preached
about it, I have sung about it but I never truly experienced it.
Let me start at the beginning. For so long there has been a war
going on in my heart and life that only I knew about. I would pray,
"God use me in a great way to do something for you." And every
time it was as if I heard God say, "JC I don't know you."
On
Wednesday, May 12, 2004 I was sitting in church and the sermon
being preached was titled "Bumping
into God." That night it was as if God just spoke to me personally
and said, "JC I don't know you and I am no going to convict
you any more." I left that Wednesday and I was so scared.
The fear that I had for years became so intense that I would call
people that I knew were saved and when they didn't answer their
phones I would panic. I called the church secretary just to hear
her talk knowing I was lost, I feared the Rapture. The pride held
me back for so long. Every time that I would think about the Rapture
or an altar call I was given the conviction I felt was so strong
because I knew I was lost and I would battle with God. I would
say to God,
"I have to be saved, I have done all these things yet every
time He would say, "I don't know you."
On
Saturday morning (May 15, 2004) after a sleepless night due to
the war raging in me, I climbed in to my car and turned on the
radio. When I did that, there were people on the radio giving testimony
of the events that led up to their salvation. They were talking
about this peace and joy that I had been faking to have for so
long. I knew that if I didn't ask Jesus to save me, that was it.
It was as if all he had left on me was one finger. When I prayed, "God
I have been running for so long, I have done so many things, faking
it, I look like a Christian, act like a Christian, sound like a
Christian but you know I am not in your family. God I am an unworthy
sinner and want to ask you to forgive me and save my soul." At
that very moment it was if I went from one of His fingers on me
to a bear hug with His legs wrapped around me.
He consumed me!!!
The best illustration I can give
(as goofy as it may sound) is like the chocolate Easter bunny.
Nice looking on the outside but when you bite into it, it is hollow!
That is how I was, but on that morning God crushed me and started
building me back up and this time He put Himself inside. I guess
you could say I am a Cadbury now!!! Praise His holy name! I was
going to miss Heaven purely because I was worried about what people
would think. Now I just want to tell everyone because the peace
that He brings is far better than any mans approval.
I feel
a deep desire to see others come to know my Savior and want all
that I do to give Him the glory and honor. I base my standards
on God's Holy Word. If the Bible says it's wrong. It's wrong! I
want all that I do to be a reflection of His light and love this
lost and dying world that we are living in.
